


Too beautiful for Earth

by Coffeefina



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Single Mom Clarke, i'm not sure if it's slowburn if they meed like 25k words in?, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-10-28 03:02:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10822383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coffeefina/pseuds/Coffeefina
Summary: Her marriage with the woman she once called her one true love couldn't withstand the greatest tragedy of her life - despite the fact that Lexa Woods is no stranger to death and experienced the loss of beloved ones before.Now she has to find new paths in life but her plans to live single and independent are terribly stirred up by this crazy blonde mom of two...





	1. New beginning

"This is a beautiful suburb. Quiet and not too big, very green and the roads are rather narrow, not busy at all. Most people who live here are of age. Or full time working couples without children. There are kids here too of course, but usually they are older, around school age. And there aren't many of them, usually the playground is empty. Sometimes the one or the other child kills time or has nothing better to do.

 

Over all, there are far more dogs here than children. Why is that so? I don't know but it seems right. Right for the people who keep them.should have we gotten a dog? Would we still be together then? Who knows. Maybe, but maybe not. So many things would have turned out differently if we made other decisions in our lives. Do I regret? Not at all. Would I make these choices again? With the wisdom and experience I gained? Probably... but probably not. Would I always decide to move here for a new beginning? Absolutely yes!

 

Here or to a similar place. It offers everything a community of people needs. We have a grocery store, a small, private home improvement shop, there is a drugstore, there's a pharmacy, a cafe and a restaurant. There's no cocktail bar here but that's okay. Actually, there is no night life at all, but that's probably for the better, since I would interact with too many people way too much. Listen to their problems and support them in finding a solution. I would pretend to care and eventually become friends with random people - or fall in love again or some other unnecessary nonsense like... bonding with other human beings.

 

Sure, it's nothing that we are used to, nothing we as human beings like and I couldn't say it's easy either. It's not that I dislike other human beings or claim we humans would be responsible for every problem this planet has... alright, even if this is at least partially true, many people are actually _good_ . Many have accomplished great things - and many still will, or doing it right now. _We are in no way perfect_.

 

We have many flaws. Mostly because we believe to be dependant on others. It's all because of our emotions, our feelings and what many would be calling our "souls". Loving other people, bonding with other people... it's difficult. Or well, it's actually not when you realize what it truly is. Compare it with wetting your pants. The very first moment it feels warm and comfortable, but the moment you realize it happened to you... it feels wrong, shameful and disgusting.

 

This suburb is not a person, but I can say I like it. No, I didn't fall in love, it's just that it's a likeable place. Hopefully I won't regret having thought this some day. Maybe I will get bored in just a few weeks, but well, it's not the center of a big, urban metropole so I didn't expect anything other than this. But when it happens it will be alright. You can't hurt a place with your honesty, your thoughts or even your words. When it happens, the place will have served it's purpose. After all, it's a perfect place for a new beginning. A perfect place... for me. A perfect place for a boring, single life. A perfect place to forget about love. A perfect place to be... _me_. Lexa Woods.

 

_Love is weakness. To be Lexa is to be alone."_

 

She drags the heavy cardboardbox up the stairs of the small, narrow hallway. This house has five floors and no elevator. Lexa decided to move into the tiny one-room apartment on the top floor. The house is old, but the flat is in great condition, has many windows and therefore much light. Since it's an attic flat, the roof is partially sloping and entirely made out of wood.

 

Lexa loves wood. Not just because Woods is her family name, she always loved trees and the forest. Ever since she was a little girl, she enjoyed to be there for some weird reason she couldn't explain. The colors, the deep green that resembles her eyes so much, the scent of the trees, the sounds of nature which were lively and loud, yet peaceful and calming to her.

 

Maybe even at a young age she realized that this is exactly what she wanted. To be alone and surrounded by nothing but serene silence. Even if she might not have admitted this to herself. She was a child after all, and like other children she had these childish, infantile flaws. She loved to play. On the playground with other children in the neighbourhood, in her own room with her toys, on the school yard, with her brother, but mostly she loved to play in the forest, hide in the twisted thicket and almost drive her parents into madness when they were convinced once again that little Lexa got lost.

 

They seriously fell for it every time and at some point she just thought it was hilarious. Silly, young. Just like children are and how children are supposed to be. Lexa wasn't a shy child, nor was she particularly quiet or balanced in her consciousness. However, she wasn't necessarily loud and wild either. It's safe to assume she was normal. A completely average child with average parents and an average big brother in an average family of an average sized town.

 

She doesn't feel any less average now as an adult, if there wasn't this unique and very out of ordinary past she had. Nothing she asked for, things that just happened to her life. When everything she ever wanted to was being normal. No, this is the wrong word, since normal is a rather complicated definition. She wanted to be... _average_.

 

No, it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Lexa always and without exception fell in love with other women. She never cared about the one or the other stupid and unqualified comment of undereducated people who just didn't know any better. She felt no offense and was never really personally affected by it.

 

She just felt sorry for the stupid idiot honestly thinking this way, or trying deliberately to hurt another human being they don't even know. It really is something to feel sorry for - and usually her friends and lovers couldn't agree more. Maybe that was another reason why Lexa loved to visit the forest so much. It was a brilliant place to avoid other people.

 

They might behave like it sometimes, but they don't inhabit the forest any longer. Maybe they should, since this would be great for some folks to regain their senses, think about their own lives and maybe learn to become good again. Realize that the only person they should depend or rely on is the self. But how could she expect something from humanity she doesn't want to abide by any longer herself? Well, she doesn't. It's just a thought.

 

Nowadays, at 27 years of age Lexa doesn't like going to the forest anymore. It's a little bit too dark, especially after everything that happened in her life. Of course, she wasn't a baby anymore when losing her mother at age 13 and her brother only three years later, yet it still affected her much more than she was willing to admit.

 

When she was left behind with only her douchebag of a father, Lexa began telling herself that love and emotions are an unnecessary burden that just restrain a human being from developing their full potential and abilities. In fact, emotions can ruin a human being past the point of repair. Occupy the brain so much that one can easily forget the true goal in life. Living for the moment. Survive. Lexa was there, more than once before. It's safe to assume the first time back then…

 

However her soul began to heal just a little bit over a year later when finally getting together with the girl she fell in love with one year ago. Now, almost seven years later, she is divorced and attempts to start her life anew. “That's not important anymore.” Lexa would answer if someone asked her about her marriage. “Every dream ends at some point, we all have to wake up eventually, but some people have to learn their lesson the hard way.”

 

She is looking forward to all the new discoveries she will make, all the new people she will meet, all the alcohol she will drink and all the amazing, casual and emotionless sex she’s planning to have here- in this cosy, sunny place.

 

Yes, Lexa likes it very much. Something new, a life she never could imagine herself living.

 

Before she decided to declare this new apartment on the top floor her new home, an elderly spinster lived in it, however she had to move to another, barrier free apartment because of her age and health. Lexa wonders if a similar story to hers brought her to this place when she was young, but then decides she wonders and worries too much about other people's lives which are at the end of the day none of her business.

 

Everything she should care about is the fact that she left the attic in excellent condition and her parrot didn't defecate all over the parkett. The spinster was in fact so clean and picky, no one would assume someone has ever lived here, if they saw the flat and didn't know. Lexa caught herself once again when assuming there must have been many similarities between herself and that spinster, since she knew this was a place especially for her. It's small but luxurious and comfortable, and it didn't need much improvement. Lexa sucked at home improvement, it was neither her passion nor was it her profession. She is a librarian, a musician and artist after all. Yes, this place is in fact lovely, especially for a person like her or the elderly spinster who lived here before. If she would end like this - Lexa could look back on her life one day and say it wasn't really that bad after all.

Probably these were the spinster's words when leaving this place behind forever. It wasn't really that bad after all. It's very _light_ and light is exactly what she needed in these times of... _darkness_.

 

Candles will do for illuminating this place in the evening. Lexa loves candles. They brighten her mood. It's actually the last thing in her life she didn't give up on, or what she doesn't consider weakness. Her love for candles.

 

Though she would not be needing all too many of them, since she will rarely be home anyway. She breathes heavily and drags the box a few steps higher and finally reaching her door. Lexa pushes the door knob, steps inside and finally did it. All her goods were finally with her inside her new home. Exhausted she lets her body sink onto the floor and sighs in relief. She looks around herself. The room is empty, besides the few cardboard boxes Lexa dragged up here during the last four hours. She feels so proud for having managed to drag everything up here before noon.

 

For a brief moment she closes her eyes. She inhales, breathes deeply, trying to find herself. The taste of the air she breathes is dusty, old. Used. It's sticky and uncomfortable to inhale. It's not all too unpleasant, but Lexa feels as if fresh air would be needed. She opens her eyes and realizes once again - she is alone. And there it was again. The sadness lingering at the bottom of her heart. The emptiness. The cold. The anxiety. The feeling of loss.

 

The slender woman pushes herself up from the parquet floor and makes her way to the window. She walks gracefully, elegant, delicate. As always - despite wearing just casual clothes like a black, long-sleeved hoodie and denim cargo pants. She is beautiful and dignified with almost noble features and characteristics. High forehead, sharp jawline and fingers like bird's bones but with an iron core.

 

She reaches the window and tries to open it, struggling a little since it's stuck - the old and heavy wooden frames are tightly stuck into one another - but then eventually she succeeds and with a loud crackling noise, the frames separate, letting some fresh air into the room. The pressure inside Lexa's chest eases a little when breathing a soft breeze of fresh air, though it would return with full force just an instant later, as the young woman looks at the sky. A strong breeze blows into her face, her long, brunette and wavy hair suddenly swirls around her. She steps back and closes the window again. She turns around and leans against the wall, her eyes searching for the wooden, sloping roof. It's low. Lexa could probably touch it if she reached out her arms.

 

She feels as if she has to unpack her goods, since the walls of this empty room are tightening around her, suffocating her. They needed to be filled. Somehow Lexa wanted to get out, be free - _to breathe_. She swallows thickly, turns around and presses her back against the wall. She brushes over her face with the palms of both her hands before letting her body sink to the floor again. She leans against the wall, curls herself, hugging her knees and trying desperately to hold back her tears.

 

“Memories are cruel. Why do we harbour them? Why is the consciousness of us humans so complex and unique that we are capable of such a thing? Why can't we just forget and move on, continue with our boring, normal lives? Stop haunting me! Please... set me free.”

 

Lexa is repeating these lines inside of her head over and over again, the pain, the agony overcoming her more and more. She has to calm down. She has to be strong. She can't allow her emotions to defeat her body. Lexa places her right hand on her chest.

 

She tries to take a deep breath, but somehow can't hold off her tears any longer. They escape her eyes, making their way down her cheeks. One. Two. Three. Then it's over. The storm inside her soul has calmed down a little. As she opens her eyes, she finds her vision blurry but reaches out for the tiny, heart-shaped locket amulet around her neck that was hidden under her shirt. She wipes the tears away from her swollen, red eyes and finds the tiny silver piece of jewellery in the palm of her hand. She looks at it. " _Forever_ _with you_ " is engraved on the front. Lexa was aware of this, since she had ordered these letters after all.

 

She remains like this for a few moments before opening the two-sided pendant, revealing three tiny, black curls of african baby hair. Carefully, and as if they were the most precious things on earth, Lexa touches them gently with the tip of her pinkie before pressing the two chambers together, sealing them with a small clicking sound.

 

“I know why you won't let me rest. It's my fault. I'm weak. I know.”  Lexa swallows thickly. “I love you. And I will do so until my very last breath. No, I can't deny this. I won't. Not in front of you, but... in front of other people. Forgive me. It's not that I want to forget you. It just... _hurts too much_.”

 

“Sammy…” Lexa sighs.

  


“Even if Love may be weakness... Is it wrong to miss you?” Lexa whispers inside her mind. “Yes, I should leave the sky behind and begin to walk. Stop dreaming of the past or worry about the future and live only for the moment. Acceptance is hard. Accepting it as part of my life that you can't be with me. Maybe someday I will learn to. Maybe someday my wounds will heal... but the pain... the scars... just won't.

  
  


“Alright, time to get started.” Lexa decided while reaching out for the carpet cutter knife inside the pocket of her cargo pants. She's carefully sliding out the blade before cutting through the duct tape of the first cupboard box. She lifts the covering part, curiously looking inside. Those are parts of her new bed she thinks when seeing a fragment of the beautiful, wooden embellishment which was mostly the reason she picked this piece of furniture and didn't care that it was actually very pricy. She rolls her eyes and feels already frustrated. Then she began to slowly realize that it would be wise to first put her furniture together before decorating the whole flat with candles. Not that she wasn't aware of this fact before, it just wasn't anything she gave much of a thought to. She scratched her head, realizing how much she sucked at home improvement. She takes a deep breath and makes the quick but painful decision to force herself and fight her inner demon. She splays the box open a little wider and drags the first, big part of the bed's embellishment out of it.

 

“I dragged all of this up the stairs, so it won't kill me to start drilling it together right now, and if I want to sleep somewhere tonight I better get busy.” Lexa thinks when dragging the pretty piece of wood into the corner. It's a nice place to sleep, right next to the biggest of the four windows in here.

 

She picks up the drilling machine and feels odd. As she puts the parts together, focusing to precisely drill every screw into the wood, her thoughts roam through the past. She is focused on her furniture, focused on the craftsmanship she is so _incredibly_ bad at.

 

“Our roles should be reversed, you jerk!” Lexa curses but immediately smiles when thinking of her daughter and her brother. She closes her eyes and sighs again. “You should be here, putting together my crappy Ikea furniture while I cuddle and play with Sammy…” Lexa smirks. “I see it takes time getting used to being alone. I’m speaking with people who can’t even hear me.” She leans back, looking outside the window and telling herself “The dead are gone, Lexa. The dead are gone.”

  


This was an ordinary Friday morning and in the year it happened, summer was so incredibly warm and beautiful, yes - it was already quite sunny in the morning before Lexa got ready for school. She knew Titus, her father would be against it - Lexa leaving without her zipper-hoodie and in flip-flops and shorts. What if it rains? Would be his standard excuse for why Lexa should chose another outfit, even if one could literally roast an egg on the pavement. Then he would just argue that it wasn't a good thing to dress all too revealing as soon as Lexa confronted him with the facts. Chris made fun of his father, claiming that there never was an issue if he left the house in shorts and sandals. "Lexa is smart and if we fight, she always gets the better of me, verbally and physically. So she can defend herself against any kind of douchebag." He would insist before reminding their father not too worry all too much about Lexa, or otherwise he would get bald. Ironically of course, as he was already bald.

 

Chris was the one family member who always understood Lexa. Accepted her. Trusted her and knew her. He was the first person whom she entrusted with her secret of being in love with another girl. "It doesn't matter who you love." Were his words when placing his strong hand on his little sister's shoulder. "It's right when it feels right, and beautiful when your feelings are reciprocated. There is nothing wrong with you." Lexa smiled. A heavy boulder of granite was lifted from her shoulders. It's nothing she took for granted, a supportive brother who helps you stay grounded in difficult times. She knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, but having her brother's assuring words was such a treasure to have. Because of him, Lexa found enough strength and courage to come out to Titus as well - and when she became overwhelmed by his disapproving anger, Chris would stand up, hit the table with his fist and yell "Lexa is perfect, ok?"

 

It was an ordinary Friday morning. Sunny, serene and warm. And it was the last day of school. It was ordinary, really. Except for _one_ thing. The evening before, Chris had another heated argument with his dad. Lexa heard it was loud, but didn't dare to ask what it was about. To be honest she was scared this argument might have been about her. If this was the case, she would get Chris into a very uncomfortable situation as he won't tell her the truth in order not to hurt her. However he was a very honest person and a bad liar.

 

She however felt quite uncomfortable herself when he offered to drive her to school in his car. Not because she wouldn't like to be driven by him, if he offers this without her asking, it usually means he feels somehow sad and uneasy. "Hey Lex." He began, his voice somehow sore and in a very sad tune. "Did you ever wonder why we don't look alike at all?" This question came as quite a surprise and Lexa didn't really know how to answer to it. Of course she was always aware of her brother's black hair and slightly darker skin tone, but it was never anything she considered special or out of the ordinary. Just like he didn't consider her being gay anything different or special. After all, _many_ siblings don’t look alike.

 

"I'm adopted." He said. Just like that. "Father yelled it into my face just yesterday when he ran out of bullshit." Lexa was shocked in the first moment, wondering what could have made Titus so angry that he would use this tactic out of all things to hurt Chris. Did he really think his children who wouldn't care for one another anymore, that Chris would stop defending Lexa for being gay if he told them they weren't "real" siblings? Did he really run out of arguments just because Chris is intellectually superior to his own, bald, religious cement head? Why come out with this now when the boy is almost 19? Lexa immediately faced Chris. "So what?" She yelled. "You are my brother. Nothing will ever change that! Don't get any ideas just because our father is an asshole! Who cares? Genes don't matter! We are _siblings_."

 

Chris laughed and couldn't agree more with Lexa's statement, even if the tone of his voice still indicated he didn't feel bright and happy at all. The fact that they would agree on pretty much everything in life, especially on the fact that their father was an asshole was proof of how right Lexa was. Many "biological" siblings argue day and night and hate each other's guts, so why should their genetic heritage stand in their way?

 

"Then do you want to come to New Zealand with me?" He asked, suddenly and out of nowhere. "Of course I understand if your girlfriend needs you more." He teased, looking first at Lexa, then again at the road.

 

"Heck, New Zealand!?" Lexa's eyes widened in amazement, almost making her forget the first shock about her brother's confession just a few heartbeats before.

 

"Yeah, digging my roots. I mean... Dad kinda zoomed me right into an identity crisis yesterday so I have much to research and discover."

 

"Of course I come with you!" Lexa answered without hesitation. "Actually... How long are you planning to go for?"

 

“One year, and if I still like it then I'll stay _forever_." Alright, this wasn't the answer Lexa expected - and wanted to hear. She thought more of six weeks and already rehearsed the words to out-sass her brother by telling him Costia will survive a few weeks without her - but something between one year and forever was maybe a little bit long. She felt insecure and instead of giving Chris a definitive answer, she just replied. "Well... I have to think about it..."

 

Actually Lexa wasn't happy with her brother's decision at all. She wanted to punch him, yell at him how angry she was for leaving her at home with their douchebag of a father.

 

They arrived at Lexa's school, and somehow she survived during classes. She had been looking forward to the party at the Blake sibling's house this evening, which she knew would take place at the last day of school, but somehow after hearing everything her brother confessed right now she didn't really feel like celebrating anymore.

 

She walks to the girl's locker room before lunch break, making her way down to number 307. As she inserts the key into the lock of the blue steel door and twists it, she almost freezes in shock when someone behind her asked "What crawled up your ass today, Woods?"

 

"Jesus, Raven next time try to make yourself visible!" Lexa snarled when noticing the sassy Latina right behind her.

 

"Chill! It's not like I wanted to assassinate you." Raven nudged Lexa's shoulder. Cheerful as always at first, but when she saw Lexa's red eyes she realized there must be something wrong.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Asked Raven.

 

"Oh it's just... family issues." Lexa shook her head and took the box of her trainers out of her locker.

 

"Oh, yeah... I see." Raven knew it was better not to ask Lexa any questions about her family. She didn't like talking much about her parents and if one would annoy her too much, Lexa isn't hesitant in demonstrating her close combat skills. "I guess we meet at O's place at seven?" Raven tapped Lexa's shoulder before she attempted to walk away from the lockers.

 

"Sure, but first we meet at the lunch room." Lexa answered and realized she just confirmed attending that stupid party. She wouldn't get away with just not going anymore. Great. Lexa sighs.

 

The last hour of school for today has started. The last hour of this year to be specific. It's as if time stands still and won't pass. Lexa is angry and her anger doesn't get any lesser with passing time. She twists her color sharpie between her fingers, shifts her jaw from left to right and vice versa. She looks at her wrist watch. Again. Probably she stares at it three times a minute and gets even more annoyed that so little time has passed. She closes her eyes, sighs. Four twenty-two... how long is it going to stay four twenty-two? She asks herself, already starting to shove her pens and sharpies into her pencil case. Why is it necessary to have classes at this hour in the first place. Why is it required from us to focus? Lexa rumbles. It's not that she was lazy, it's just that she will never get it why the last hour of every school year still has to be so focused. It's pointless, since next year it won't matter anyway as teachers are required to start with a new subject. "Why can't we just sit and talk about what we are going to do during holidays?" She thinks, but then realizes it would be pointless for her as well. She had no idea what she would be doing during her holidays. Until this day began, she was convinced to spend her holidays mostly practising piano. And maybe have one or two drinks with the girl she liked. And maybe... maybe... _more_.

 

Then her brother came forward with his confession - and at first she thought about coming with him to New Zealand. She still isn't sure whether or not she should. She hated being in this situation. More or less having to chose between her brother and that girl. Still she had no idea about the abyss of despair that will open right in front of her in less than six hours - _and all her thoughts and worries would then be meaningless..._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Brother

Lexa walks home, feeling her mood shifting slightly from angry to rather sad. She didn't  feel like she could still like the world around herself anymore. Her brother, the person she loved and trusted the most ever since her mother died would probably leave her in the next few days. Just like that. Just because their father told him that he was adopted. She asked herself over and over again why would this matter to him at all. Why would it  be so important. Or maybe was it just a reason for Chris to get away from Titus, whom he didn't really get along with anymore for over a year? _Even worse_! Lexa thought, biting her lip and shifting her jaw in anger while setting one foot in front of the other.

 

Maybe she should just drop the bomb, she thinks. Maybe she should just tell Costia what she felt for her. Maybe she could... No, it was a little bit too much. Of course it's something beautiful, seeing herself happily together with the girl she loves, but would it really be a wise idea to move in together with her just like that? What if they wouldn't get along at all? Their relationship would be over before it even started. What if they just weren't compatible at all? What if... Costia might not even like girls... Lexa knows she should be talking with her, maybe ask her out for  coffee. No, that would be the wrong way to approach someone you like. Having coffee together could mean something else after all. But it wasn't an option to wait until Costia would make the first step either. No matter how she looked at the situation she found herself in, no plan and no choice seemed to be suitable or satisfying enough to dare it. Or what if she just forgot about Costia and went to New Zealand with Chris instead? There may be pretty girls over there as well... No. No she would regret that forever. What if Costia... Well, Lexa knew the rumors about Costia being bisexual so... could she _maybe_...

 

No, she can't really make any decision, and no matter what she would be doing, Lexa knew it would eventually turn out to be the wrong choice. So she just continued walking, trying not to think of anything until she arrived home.

 

She throws her backpack into the corner and kicks off her shoes before walking up the stairs and locking herself into her bedroom for another couple of hours before getting ready for the party at the Blakes tonight.

 

She hears a door cracking and realize Chris must’ve come home at some point. No doubt about that, she immediately recognized the pattern of his footsteps which were quite different from their father's. Did she hear the engine of his car though? Lexa tries to remember, focuses strongly but then realizes it was the motorbike she heard. Why would he bother getting it out of the Garage if he were to go to New Zealand in the next few days? She wondered. She could just ask him, but then she realized what an idiot he is for leaving her alone in this hellhole with their stupid father. Though before she even finished her thought she heard him yelling her name.

 

"Lexaaaaa!"

 

The girl rolls her eyes and moans in frustration while getting up to open the door to her bedroom.

 

"WHAT?" She yelled right back.

 

"Get ready for the party!" He shouted up the stairs.

 

"What, _already_?" Lexa wondered before realizing something important. Why would her brother want to go to Octavia's place? "Wait a minute." She added, walking out of her room, facing downstairs and supporting her weight with her hands which she placed on the door frame. "Why would you go there?"  She interrogated her brother.

 

"Oh well, hanging around with Bellamy." Chris answered, looking at his feet in embarrassment.

 

Lexa's brow furrows before an amused smirk began to curl on her lips. "Looks like I'm not the only gay in the family."

 

"No Lex, it's not what it looks like, really!" Chris began to defend himself. "I mean... come on, don't you think I wouldn't have told you if...?"

 

"Relax you idiot, it was a joke!" Lexa chuckles, walking down the stairs. "Though I really have no idea what you want with Bellamy all of a sudden. He's not really a good influence... You know, his temper problems, the drugs..."

 

"Lexa... you sound like dad." Chris interrupted her with the palm of his hand over his face.

 

"Oh... Oh ok... sorry I didn't mean that." Lexa replied, fluttering nervously with her hands. She felt a little embarrassed because after all, she never wanted to adapt their father's attitude. It was strange though, Lexa knew Octavia's brother, but never really liked him all that much. He was a jobless drunk and always behaves incredibly aggressive, possessive and for some reason seemed always angry. There also was quite some age gap between him and his sister, however Bellamy seemed to be hanging around mostly with people of her age group rather than his own. This might be because he always had to take care of Octavia and their mentally ill mother, their father left the family years ago and the boy was therefore burdened with too much responsibility at a very young age.

 

Then Lexa realized what she was thinking and caught herself defending the jerk. There is absolutely no reason to do so, after all Lexa and Chris lost their mother as well three years ago and this wasn't any free pass for one meltdown after the other. Lexa usually tries to brighten a situation or a person inside of her mind when she is nervous. Anxious because of something she can neither prevent nor influence but gives her an overall very bad and uncomfortable feeling. Like a corset tightening around her chest, not allowing her to breathe. Yes, she obviously is nervous right now because she is worried about Chris. She doesn't want him to hang around with Bellamy and fears this contact might destabilize him even more than he already is.

 

She sighs. Forces the air deep into her lungs, breaking this imaginary corset she put herself into, because after all she is just his little sister. She knows how much he loves her. but boys are stupid and would never take a little sister's advice no matter how right she may be.

 

"What are you waiting for? Get ready." Lexa nudges her brother's shoulder, swallowing her worries and secretly hopes this day would already be over.

 

The vibe of the party was strangely positive to Lexa, though she was sitting in a corner with her drink most of the time. None of the other girls seemed to request the honor of her presence, which was relaxing to her - actually for the simple reason that she could exclusively spend her time observing Bellamy and Chris get drunk. "This is beer number nine..." Lexa mutters to herself when Chris almost fell over the edge of the couch with another two bottles in his hand, one for Bellamy, one for himself. Lexa shakes her head, not really sure what to think about it while taking another sip from her mojito.

 

The bass of the loud music is vibrating inside her ears and she can slowly feel a slight headache approving. She didn't have all too much to drink, in fact she wasn't even mellow after just two thirds of one single cocktail. She gets up and walks out the terrace door, hoping the slightly cooler air would calm her down a little. She felt her heart rate rising due to her anxiety as soon as she got up, but when she closes her eyes, and breathes fresh air she feels it settle once again. The bass is vibrating in the distance but feels way more bearable behind these closed doors.

 

It was beautiful and serene for a moment. She cleared her mind, forgot about everything. Lexa wanted to be in the forest, enjoy this atmosphere a little more often. She knows it's not like her to attend parties. She knows that she isn't a person who feels well in big groups of people. She knows how much she dislikes drama and gossip and all the other things which are so typical for the life of a highschool girl. Maybe she should go to New Zealand after all? The scenery is beautiful there, she knows that much at least. It would be possible to study music and literature over there as well, maybe the silence would even benefit her. She opens her eyes. A smile curls on her lips as she sees the tiny waves of the swimming pool in the neighbor's garden. She tries to picture a perfect beach - this was the first thing rushing to her mind after noticing the  water, after this  moment of perfect silence. "Maybe _she_ wants to come with us?" Lexa smiles.

 

Suddenly the terrace door slams open and two very familiar and very drunken young men step out. The bass which was slightly sealed away from Lexa by the closed door was immediately blasting her ears and tearing her away from her sweet daydream.

 

"Ey Lex, we're running out of munchies so Bell and I check out the gas station, but it'll be fine. We'll be right back." Chris gurgled at her. He was anything but sober and considering he used the term "munchies" Lexa thought there might be other substances than plain ethanol involved in the process.

 

In probably less than a second, Lexa switched from perfectly serene and blissful to absolutely furious and outraged. She noticed the pearls of cold sweat on the cheeks and forehead of these two young men, their soaked, greasy hair and the bright, red parts of their eyes which are usually supposed to be white. "TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!" She yelled at him, her eyes widened in anger. "YOU ARE FUCKING WASTED AND BELLAMY DOESN'T LOOK ANY BETTER! YOU CAN'T DRIVE LIKE THIS!"

 

"Mwahaha, I wouldn't let O babysit me like this." Bellamy snorted, trying to make fun of Chris before walking over to Lexa and trying to drag her inside. He reached out his hand, but right in the moment he was about to place it on her shoulder she slapped him away. "Don't you dare to fucking touch me!" She snarled at Bellamy, her glare piercing and filled with burning fury. He swallowed thickly. This was actually the first time he consciously met Lexa, but he seriously had no idea how scary she could be.

 

"Maaan, no wonder she's having you on such a tight leash." Bellamy bursted out laughing and Chris shortly followed. "This isn't going to be without any consequences." She thought without actually saying it. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, shifted her jaw and bit her lower lip.

 

"You know what? I actually considered leaving with you. But now I think you ruined it for good." Despite her anger she was calm, stepped back into the building and wanted nothing more than going home. She takes a look at her wristwatch and sighs. 3AM already... and Chris is wasted like a bog. She couldn't walk home alone at this hour, but staying at the party isn't really an option either.

 

If only Lincoln, Octavia's boyfriend wouldn't be in England visiting his mom right now... Lexa thinks. He could just walk her home without any inconveniences. Lexa is gay so Octavia wouldn't even have any reason to be suspicious, let alone jealous of her handsome boyfriend walking home a pretty young lady. But since Lincoln was in England, Lexa would be stuck here at this party with her drunken brother and his new idiotic friend.

 

She decides to ask Octavia for a cup of coffee and an aspirin, considering if she should speak with her about Bellamy's irresponsible behavior and dangerous attitude of wanting to drive drunk and intoxicated. Then she remembered it's better not to say anything about Bellamy at all, since last time she complained about him, Octavia got angry and made Lexa believe that she was the problem and not her brother.

 

The two young women walk away from the party cellar and up the stairs. There was a tiny kitchen just a few steps above the backdoor of the Blake's house, right between the storage and the utility room. There was a tiny sideboard and a small kitchen sink at the wall. A simple coffee filter machine stood on top of the sideboard, right above was a shelf that held a few mugs. Right next to the door, on the other side of the room was a small table and two foldable camping chairs.

 

"Thank you for the coffee and the aspirin." Lexa's voice was low, sure and sounded somewhat exhausted as she sat on one of the camping chairs.

 

"It's no problem, really." Octavia replied when reaching for the coffee filters and the coffee powder on top of the tiny shelve.

 

Lexa felt her pulse rising. She tried to puzzle the words together inside of her mind. She just needed to tell Octavia that what her brother was doing is irresponsible, dangerous and at worst deadly. She didn't want to be yelled at yet again and Lea knew if she would just say what she was thinking, Octavia would just cut her off. Lexa breathed into the palms of her hands. They were cold and covered in pearls of cold sweat and the steam of her breath.

 

She inhaled deeply once more to calm herself before rehearsing the words inside her head one last time.

 

"Octavia." She eventually began. "Seriously you have to agree that Bellamy..."

 

"Lex, we had this before already." Boom. There it was again. Octavia cut her off just like that while filling the water container of the coffee machine at the kitchen sink.

 

"Look I don't care what our brothers are drinking, smoking, sniffing or whatever." Lexa had no time to rehearse her words this time because if she lost any second, Octavia would just be out of the door without any comment. "But they drive to the gas station on their bikes! In THIS condition!" Lexa snarled. She didn't even care anymore whether or not she might come off as aggressive.

 

"Lexa..." Octavia sighed. "I know this concept might seem unfamiliar to you but I trust my brother. I trust him blind. You have no idea what he has done for my mother and me. Really." Octavia glares at Lexa with intensity. She intended to sound as direct and convincing as possible. Simply trying to calm Lexa down wasn't something Octavia was particularly good at and despite knowing Lexa for quite a few years, their bond or friendship wasn't really anything that went below the surface.

 

Lexa stopped breathing for a moment and her expression went blank. She felt frustrated and offended but she understood how Octavia felt. "The way you say it almost sounds as if I wouldn't have any faith in my brother at all!" She replied, trying desperately to make it clear that this isn't a trust issue on her side but a responsibility issue on the side of the boys. "Listen, I _do_ trust him - but I don't think someone who is high should drive. Not even to the gas station."

 

"And I think you worry too much." Octavia grabbed a cup from the shelf and poured some of the coffee which just finished running through the filter into it. "Milk and sugar?" She asks, looking at Lexa.

 

"I assume you don't have soy or almond milk?" Lexa answered.

 

"Only mooh milky." Octavia replied with a smile on her face, remembering the time at school when Lexa insisted "Mooh milky is for baby mooh."

 

"Then it's alright, I can drink it without anything." Lexa smiled right back, taking the mug Octavia just handed over to her. She took a sip, the bitter taste of the black broth wrapped around her tongue. The coffee tasted like a dirty carpet, but Lexa didn't complain. "Uh... I think a tiny sip of mooh milky isn't a bad idea after all." Lexa licked her upper lip and bit her tongue nervously.

 

Octavia nodded, left the tiny kitchenette and returned a few moments later with a tiny tin of milk and a thick, woolen blanket. "I know you like to burrito yourself and it's kinda cold in here anyway." She said when giving the goods to Lexa who immediately unfolded the blanket and wrapped it around herself.

 

"Now if you excuse me?" Octavia said. "I have to see off the others. Most probably left already anyway." Lexa just nodded with a concerned and sad expression on her face while Octavia left.

 

"And keep your head up, they'll be fine." She shouted when already out the door and around the corner.

 

"I guess..." Lexa just silently muttered to herself, not really knowing while today in particular she felt so incredibly hopeless and desperate, like some invisible force was trying to pull her down and she couldn't do anything against it, prevent it or make it undone. Something seems to just be happening and it's beyond her control. Lexa opened the tiny tin can of milk and poured a few drops of it into the coffee. She took another sip and couldn't help but notice how strong it was once again. She poured a little more milk and shook her head at the thought that it was so much against her usual habits to honestly drink cow milk, but this coffee wasn't bearable without it.

 

She looked around the kitchenette and realized how tiny it was. It wasn't really possible to make out the colors of the tiles on the wall as the light was so dim and yellow. There wasn't even a window she could look out from so she looked at her wristwatch instead. Almost 4 o'clock. She empties the last few sips of her coffee and gets up from her chair. She folds the blanket and places it above the backrest before making her way to the sideboard, attempting to finish the coffee and clean the filter machine.

 

As she opens the holder for the filter pads her eyes widen in shock. "No wonder this booze tastes like that... Is this how Aurora and Bellamy like it?" She shakes her head and couldn't hold back a smirk when seeing how much powder Octavia threw in there. Lexa would however finish the other cup as well she thought when pouring it into her mug.

 

The coffee machine was quickly dissembled, rinsed and put back together. Lexa just wanted to wrap herself back into her blanket and pour some more milk into her cup when hearing the squeaking sound of the opening backdoor.

 

Lexa stepped closer with the mug in her hand and saw two shady creatures with black, greasy hair clothed in black leather jackets. Chris and Bellamy were back and obviously not any more sober than when they left. And that wasn't everything Lexa thought to be weird and suspicious about these two young men. They appeared awkward, almost ghostly and unreal. Lexa felt very uncomfortable, scared. She saw her brother only from afar, yet he appeared to be a completely different person, not the boy she knew and grew up with.

"Chris?" She called out to him. He turned around, looking at his sister. His eyes were wide but empty. He appeared somewhat lifeless. Without saying a word, he walked towards Lexa fighting his way up the stairs - almost as if he were a zombie in a bad horror movie.

 

"Chris what happened?" Lexa called out in shock, terrified and frightened. He didn't answer but walked closer. "STAY BACK! CHRIS! TALK TO ME!" She yelled and walked backwards until her back hit the sideboard. Lexa was paralyzed by this weird and scary, unexplainable behavior of her brother. The mug slid out of her hand and only seconds later shattered on the tiles of the floor - but Lexa didn't even realize in this moment.

 

Chris walked towards her, she tried to hold him off with her hands when she suddenly heard him whisper her name.

 

"Lexa..." His voice was raspy, barely audible. She stepped forward, a shard of clay cracking underneath the sole of her shoes. Her hand reached out to touch his cheek. It was cold, stiff.

 

"Dammit... what the hell happened? You scared me!" Lexa scolded him, but just a second later, she wasn't sure if he could still hear her. But why? Why would she doubt he could hear her? Something cold and dark seemed to envelop her. Like a black abyss opening right in front of her. A black hole trying to absorb her. She couldn't explain why she felt this way, it was just ... there.

 

"Felt so good... to hear your voice one last time." His broken voice whispered before the boy fell on his knees. She heard a girl scream in the distance - the party cellar she would assume when trying to locate it. She had no idea who screamed and couldn't even really give it much attention since she was too confused and shocked herself. She also heard Octavia crying and someone yell "Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!"

 

"What..." The words got stuck right in Lexa's throat. She knelt down as well, shocked and confused. "Did he just faint because... alright this is not funny anymore, he needs a doctor." She said to herself. " _WE NEED ONE TOO_!!!" She yelled.

 

"Thank you... Lexa..." He coughed.

 

"Chris?" Lexa asked, trying to lift him out of the clay shards and the spilled coffee on the floor. She touched the back of his head and felt how soaked his hair was. Lexa realized the metallic smell that was somewhat familiar to her - actually to every human being. At the same time she noticed the thickness of the fluids coating his hair. She looked at her hand and in the dim light she saw that this is neither sweat or rain, let alone the coffee she just spilled. Her hand was covered in a dark, bright read.

 

Her eyes widen and her heart skips a beat. She takes a closer look and sees the huge wound on the back of her brother's head. Lexa screams in shock from the bottom of her lungs before blacking out.

 

There are voices in the background. They seem far yet close at the same time. So quiet that it's hard to understand what they say, almost intelligible - yet at the same time so uncomfortably loud. There is so much light around her, then it's black again. Then the colors are flickering in front of her eyes - then everything returns to black once more. Lexa doesn't realize what happens around her, she isn't even sure whether or not she is breathing. She feels as if someone or something is lifting her onto something - then her memories fade into nothingness.

 

She opens her eyes again - not knowing where she is or how much time has passed. The lights are bright, white and the tiles on the wall are light blue. She could see this very clearly. "This isn't the kitchenet of the Blakes... " She immediately realizes. "It's... a hospital." Lexa looks around, not entirely sure what happened and why she is even here. Nothing hurts and she isn't injured either... Then it was back - just like that. Chris... he got hurt because he was stupid and didn't listen to her. He was stupid... and hanged around with Bellamy. They drank and wanted to grab snacks from the gas station, she remembers. "Alright, I gotta teach these idiots a lesson. And Octavia probably doesn't have anything against it either." Lexa slides out of her bed and lands on her feet. The tiles felt cold. She was barefoot, but she still wore her jeans and her plaid shirt. She observed the room and was looking for her socks, her shoes and her green denim jacket. They were nowhere to be seen. She looked down on herself and sees a tiny stain of blood on her plaid, making it obvious once more that it wasn't a dream after all. The door opens and a young man steps inside. He was in his late 20s or early 30s with dark hair and olive skin. He was wearing a white coat so he must be a doctor.

 

"Miss Woods! I see you are awake." He said with a smile on his face before introducing himself as Eric Jackson, Medical Doctor in training. "You fainted and hit your head a little, but it's nothing serious. You don't have a concussion or any other injuries. You're free to go and will get a letter, ten pills of Ibu and your belongings at the reception. The pastor and your father will be waiting for you there as well."

 

"A pastor?" Lexa asked, not really sure at the moment what a pastor would want from her, especially in a situation like this. She isn't a very religious or spiritual person after all.

 

"Good evening miss woods." The young doctor said, walking out of the room. "I'm sorry for your loss." before pulling the door close behind him.

 

"What the hell was he talking about? Why was he acting so weirdly embarrassed?" Lexa shook her head and wiped over her face with the palm of her right hand. She looked around herself and saw that there wasn't anything she could leave behind.

 

She is heading towards the door and takes the heavy knob of stainless steal into her hand. It's cold. That means her hands must be warm which is unusual, as her hands are usually always cold. She asks herself how long she must have been in here - two hours? Three hours? At least long enough to keep her warm.

 

Lexa twists the doorknob, steps out and closes the door behind herself. A long and narrow hallway lies in front of her. The walls are white, the floor is green and made from some rubber like material. "It's ugly." she thinks as she looks down the left where the hallway seems to expand into endlessness. Then she turns her head right and sees something hidden behind blurry, milky glass windows. "Alright, the infodesk is probably there." because she remembers that any sort of infodesk or checkpoint is hidden behind blurry, milky glass. Lexa is walking there, almost running but has to slow down because she is still not wearing any shoes. She curses whoever took them off and decided it was a good idea to give them to the person at the infodesk.

 

The milky glass window comes closer and closer into her sight. She finally can get behind it and breathes in relief when seeing that it really is the infodesk.

 

There was nobody waiting in line so she steps forward. Carefully, tiptoeing. "Um..." she tries to get the attention of the receptionist. A huge woman with gorgeous black hair and glasses in a heavy, black frame. She lifts her gaze and looks at the young and slender girl before her.

 

"Excuse me... I would like to get my belongings... especially shoes." Lexa mutters awkwardly, feeling slightly intimidated by the big lady's glare. "Oh and... a letter and some painkillers, Ibu I think was it?"

 

"Oh you are that girl." The lady said with a deep and earthy voice.

 

"Yes, Lexa Woods."

 

"A moment." The big lady rises from her chair, and comes out through the backdoor, holding Lexa's backpack in one hand, her over worn denim chucks in the other. Her plaid shirt and the khaki-green denim jacket were hanging around her wrist.

 

"Thank you very much!" Lexa took her belongings from the receptionist, searching for her socks inside her shoes. They are a little sweaty and used - Lexa usually hates putting on old socks but right now she had no choice as this was everything there was.

 

After she tied her shoestrings, she checks her backpack - apparently there isn't anything missing. Her mobile phone, her keys, her wallet and the twenty-five dollars pocket money leftovers from this month were still inside.

 

"Got it all?" The receptionist asked and Lexa just quickly nodded, while slipping one arm into her plaid shirt, the other one following.

 

"Your father and the pastor are at the morgue. I'll walk you there." The lady said with a low and calming voice. She reached out her hands to take Lexa's which were by now quite cold again. Protectively, almost maternally she taps the young girl's shoulder. Her hands were sweaty and fleshy but warm. Lexa still didn't understand what was going on. Why was everybody so awkwardly friendly with her? Almost on the verge of  tears? She was still in shock of course, but something felt very weird, not to say… _creepy_.

 

Lexa looks at the roof for a second, breathing deeply. She bites her lip again, shifting her jaw from right to left and pulls herself together. "Alright,what is going on here? Why is my father at the morgue and what is a pastor doing here? I don't understand, _I just want to go home..."_

 

Slowly, the receptionist takes off her glasses and _sighs_...

  



	3. Just an ordinary day

Lexa opens her eyes - she is alone. Alone in her single attic apartment. She got carried away remembering these days long gone, the bittersweet memories that were just a heartbeat away from one of the greatest losses and tragedies in her life. It's painful. It physically hurts. Lexa stares at the wooden pieces of her furniture, somewhat crookedly placed together.

 

It looked unstable and was a reminder of her lacking skills in home improvement and handcrafting. Lexa feels overwhelmed all of a sudden. She breathes. It's not easy. Something seems to hold back the air from streaming down and into her lungs. She tries to control the flow, force it down her throat but seems to fail, just like she seems to fail putting the pieces of her jigsaw puzzled furniture together. The clenching thickness of her tears crushes the air as they flow, desperately trying to force their way out of Lexa's eyes. She won't let them.

 

She held back her tears and it feels as if these salty raindrops try to suffocate her like thousands of thundering hailstones that won't surrender to the sun before they haven't destroyed everything in their path. Lexa leans back, cowers against the wall and hugs her knees. She tries so hard to cope with the emotions that try to defeat her body. Is there anything she can think about? Anything to cheer her up and make her forget and restrain the sadness?

 

As she opens her eyes, she looks once more at the scattered furniture. A cute and fancy little attic flat for a single woman... with almost disturbing chaos on the inside. Lexa remembers the words her therapist said one day, that the house or home of a person is a mirror to their soul. If it's kept nice and clean, it's all good. If it's a mess, so is the soul of the person inhabiting it. She thinks that maybe she should go to see her therapist again.

 

Maybe for the next few days someone from the home improvement store would do. It surely won't hurt if she gives them a few bucks to do the work she so passionately sucks at. Sure, if she would want to have casual sex with random strangers in here, this would be a great point to start from. And while these thoughts cross her mind, she almost didn't notice the tear which ran down her cheek. I wanted a new beginning. A carefree life beyond the pain of my past. Yet I'm sitting here in the cage of my despair. A prisoner of my memories. Memories of everyone I lost, everyone who was dear to me.

 

_Will I ever be free? Or am I sentenced to live in this cage of solitude for the rest of my days? I'm alone. This is what it means to be me. Why can't I accept it? My mind knows it's better this way. Maybe someday my heart will follow._

 

She slides alongside the wall, sinking on her back before her sobbing face disappears behind her hands.

 

_Accept it Lexa... you are alone..._

 

The morgue - a dark and lifeless place, cold and strange, somewhat out of this world. She felt so unreal when walking down the aisle, not even realizing she just saw her father standing in the corner before the door. He hid his face behind his hands, as if he were weeping. In this moment, Lexa didn't even think about it, otherwise she would have wondered why, since her father would probably never cry. But right now this was the least she could care about.

 

Voices sounded blurry, echoing. Lexa still couldn't believe what she just heard. She was in shock. Paralyzed and in a trance-like state of mind. Did she really insult everybody around her as they would be claiming later? Did she really kick against the frame of her brother's metal coffin and yell at him in rage and fury for leaving her alone? She in fact did, even if she wouldn't remember it anymore.

 

Chris was dead. Her beloved brother. An idiot of course, but a truly friendly and likable one nonetheless.

 

_A troubled young man at the peak of an identity crisis, who just happened to trust the wrong person in the wrong moment._

 

This is how the pastor, Mrs. Naath later expressed it. Kind and somewhat fitting words, considering she was a person who didn't even know Chris and had actually no idea who he really was. Chris wasn't the most religious person, let alone someone who would attend the service regularly. It felt odd and wrong when she was asked what kind of burial she could imagine for her brother - what she believed Chris would have wanted. It wasn't something Lexa wanted to think about, or something Chris would have ever even wasted a thought for.

 

So Lexa shrugged it off with the words _I don't know..._

 

If she were honest, however she would probably have said something like I couldn't care less about a burial. He is dead so why would it matter? Though she felt this would come off a little vulgar and inappropriate, so she figured it was better to say nothing. She was still so full of anger when arriving at her home. She walked up the stairs and fell on her bed without even changing into her pyjamas, brushing her teeth or taking a shower. She didn't even care that she still wore her dirty, sweaty socks from before. Lexa cried herself to sleep, her thoughts were empty and her pillow soaked with tears until she finally fell asleep on it, after several hours of dwelling in what seemed like never ending despair.

 

When she wakes up and opens her eyes again, she looks out of the window. Birds are singing sweet songs of summer, the sky is blue and sun is shining. She had no idea what time it was and it took her a few seconds to remember once again what happened. Right, it wasn't a dream, and suddenly the ease of just waking up was torn down once again by her grief. Still, it's an ordinary day. People still wake up, eat breakfast, go to work. Nothing changes their daily routine and most won't even notice Chris was gone, let alone that he even existed in the first place. The world just continues to go round as if nothing ever happened. It's cruel, she thinks. It's cruel that the world already forgot him - and that the world seems to just forget everybody just like that once they are no more. Lexa remembers this exact same feeling from back then, three years ago when her mother died. Just with the one difference that there is no one to comfort her this time, as the one who helped her through this hard and devastating time - is now the one she is mourning.

 

_And you had such great plans of going to New Zealand, digging your roots..._

 

Lexa was speaking into the void, not sure whether or not she believed Chris could still hear her. Despite being raised quite strictly and faithful, Lexa was never free from doubts. She didn't know whether or not she believed in an afterlife or the existence of a soul beyond death and if she were to be asked honestly about her feelings, she would claim the dead are gone. However it's still somehow helpful, healing to speak to a lost loved one.

 

All of a sudden, Lexa realized something when thinking about New Zealand. It may not be possible for Chris to go there physically anymore, but scattering his ashes at the place where he was born seemed like a great idea - something that would have suited his personality and something she believes is what he would have wanted. She jumps out of bed and puts her slippers on, not even remembering to rip off her dirty, sweaty socks she swore to throw away after talking about the idea with her father, but as she walks out of her bedroom and down the stairs, she hears some scratching sounds out of the kitchen.

 

_Dad?_

 

She asks hesitantly and as she approaches the scene, she gets a glimpse of her father standing on the kitchen table and trying to break open a small wooden box with a screwdriver.

 

_Dad, what are you doing?_

 

Lexa asked when recognizing that her father tried to break open her brother's "treasure box" which he used to keep under his bed since Lexa could remember, as if it were a holy icon or something of similar importance.

 

_Chris didn't possess anything other than his clothes, his shoes, his bed, his wardrobe, the playstation that he didn't touch within the last year and... this box. I don't know what is in there and I will neither donate it, nor give it away unless I do._

 

The bald man said loudly with an angry voice. Lexa noticed the five big cardboard boxes standing around in the kitchen, carefully packed. She recognized the handwriting of her father that said in black marker-letters "Men's clothes, Size M, well-worn."

 

_Are you giving away Chris' stuff?_

 

Lexa asked with an exasperated voice, her brow furrows and her eyes widen.

 

_The homeless charity will pick it up in an hour or less._

 

Titus answered.

 

_Wait,... he died like... yesterday and you are already trashing out his room? Looks like you are happy to be rid of him to me..._

 

Lexa stared at her father in exasperation.

 

_I will not tolerate this shameless accusation!_

 

Titus yelled, slamming his palm on the table that the wooden box jumped into the air a little.

 

_Pull yourself together and stop embarrassing me already, you are not making things better and I grief about him just as much as you do! He is gone and it helps not to dwell on the past. The faster you move on from this tragedy the better. It will not make any difference whether his clothes are disposed of now or in two weeks or in a year. It won't change the fact that he is gone and his items will not bring his presence back. I don't have to justify my decision to you, a child without any knowledge or experience about the hardships of life and don't ever question how much my son meant to me._

 

Lexa remained silent, as she knew it was pointless to argue with her father, however his words hurt and were untrue. Telling her she wouldn't know anything about the hardships of life, especially in this peculiar situation was just outright denial, but something Titus would never understand, so Lexa would just swallow her pride and try as best as she could to ignore him.

 

_Dad, give me the box._

 

Lexa demanded and reached out her hand to grab it.

 

_What do you want with it?_

 

Titus asked, seemingly annoyed and implying that he wouldn't want Lexa to have the box.

 

_I want it. It's memories of my brother and this is my decision that you don't have the right to question._

 

She answered, very well aware of the fact that this may sound provocative to Titus, she didn't intend to pick a fight, but couldn't maintain her composure any longer either.

 

_Your brother was a drug abuser and I won't let you keep an item out of his possession with unknown contents! I have to protect you!_

 

Titus placed his hand on the box when yelling at his obviously exasperated and angry daughter. Lexa couldn't hold back her anger any longer and she just walked towards him with burning fury, intending to grab the box, ripping it away from his hand. She was even ready to slap him if he would dare not to hand this box over. To her surprise, he lets her take the box. Wordlessly but with an expression on her face that was ready to kill.

 

She walks up the stairs, Titus following her quietly with save distance. Lexa walked to Chris' bedroom, heading for the key that she knew her brother was hiding under a piece of the carpet next to his doormat which he tore out especially for the purpose of hiding the key for his treasure box. Titus was impressed that Lexa seemed to know this much about her brother, realizing that he as a father wouldn't be aware of such things as he never considered himself to be very close to either of his children. He observed Lexa as she puts the key into the locket of the box, noticing the scratches that he made accidentally with the screwdriver before. She traced them with her fingertips as if it were scratches on the skin of a beloved person.

 

_Children are ridiculous and incomprehensible._

 

Titus muttered as he couldn't fathom why Lexa would make such a big deal out of an object that once belonged to her brother.

 

The locket klicked and Lexa opened the cover of it, revealing the "treasures" her brother kept for all these years. A handknit plush raccoon with a red scarf that Lexa once gave to him when she was six, Chris' MP3 player with the red headphones he once "borrowed" from his sister, a folded butterfly knife, an old, rusty harmonica which once belonged to their mother, a framed picture of baby Lexa, some other photos and three paper notes with phone numbers and addresses that were recognizable as written by Chris.

 

_Oh... that's just... gimcrack._

 

Titus said when he looked inside.

 

_Gimcrack?_

 

Lexa looked at her father angrily.

 

_I thought it might contain..._

 

Titus began to speak when an angry Lexa interrupted him.

 

_Money? Is that it? You thought Chris was having his savings in the box and this is why you didn't want to throw it away and tried to crack it open? This is why you didn't want me to have it? Because I could take it and run away or something? Are you seriously that pathetic and disgusting?_

 

Lexa wasn't even yelling, she just felt baffled and disappointed. Titus wasn't saying anything and stared at his feet. He didn't know what he should say. Should he deny it? Should he try to explain he believed his son was hiding drugs, which was even partially true but not exactly his sole motivation? Lexa would probably burst, run out of the house and do something stupid and he seriously didn't want to risk that.

 

_You know, I actually wanted to talk about his funeral... but I'd better discuss these things with Mrs. Naath, because she seems to really care about what he would have wanted unlike you who just care about the money he might have left. But don't worry, you might be rid of me soon enough as well, since I can't handle living under the same roof and breathing the same air as you do any longer._

 

Lexa rose to her feet with one elegant, swift motion, trying helplessly to hide her sadness, her voice trembling and her eyes red.

 

_Lexa, you can have that... trash._

 

Titus didn't dare to look at her and these words were everything he managed to reply to his daughter's strong and direct words.

 

_I wasn't going to ask you._

 

Lexa threw back the answer without hesitation and walked out of the room with the box and the key in her hand. In her grief and sadness, she headed to the bus stop. Her destination was the house of the Naath family, which was located in another suburb about ten minutes away by bus. Lexa had no idea which bus stop she would have to exit, but she would figure it out and if necessary she could also walk a few steps - or a few steps more.

 

Lexa had much time to think while driving. She felt horrible for the friendly pastor who meant so well with her in these difficult hours. She knew exactly who this woman was, and that didn't make it easy in this already stressful and conflicted situation - she was the mother of the girl Lexa had laid eyes on.

 

What would she think about her if she were to come out as a lesbian? Would she react badly? Would she even go so far as to banish her from her house or church? Would she drop her like a hot potato and not offer any help and support anymore? Being gay would in itself be difficult enough if you had to come out to a pastor, but what if the pastor is the mother of the girl you are heavily crushing on? Alright, this is too much and Lexa just decided it was for the better to keep her mouth shut. Maybe someday... Eventually she will find out. Or would it actually be better to bite the sour apple before it is too late? What if Mrs. Naath feels betrayed if she doesn't find out right away, or maybe not even by Lexa herself? What would be worse? Lexa presses her face into the palm of her hand.

 

It's just so wrong that she has to consider how to lie and keep her sexuality under the rug most effectively while mourning her beloved brother and running away from a douchebag of a father. It's just so wrong on so many levels and would not be anything considerable under any other circumstances. A double burden for a young woman who already has so many problems she can't handle. Lexa wouldn't want to lie, or to betray a person who has genuinely helped her.

 

She didn't know all too much about her personally, but there are a few details one just learns when going to school and having religious classmates, also of course Lexa had to admit, by researching a little on the family history of her crush. And what she learned didn't sound all too welcoming for a young queer girl, let alone accepting or even tolerating a relationship with one of her children.

 

Mrs Naath is a woman of faith and honor, a mother of three, one girl and two boys. She was born and raised in a poor home and her parents were not what one could call very supportive and responsible either. Discriminated and disadvantaged for several generations, for no other reason than merely the color of her skin. However she made it through, got married and discovered her love for God, which became a passion and eventually a profession. She is a truly admirable woman, Lexa thought. She found her place in life, accomplished great things, helps others on a daily basis, raised three children meanwhile and still happened to stay sane and healthy. No, the pastor is a great person with a kind and warm heart and Lexa decided it was not her right to harm or hurt this woman's feelings. Lexa felt so guilty for her feelings, but she knew it wasn't possible for her to decide or influence who she would fall in love with.

 

Yes. Love. She actually dared to think about it. She truly fell for Costia head over heels. And yet again, she had no idea anymore what to do when in just a couple of footsteps she would be standing on her doorstep, ring the bell and - no other than Costia opens the door, screams

 

_LEXA!_

 

and clumsily jumps forward, hugging her so tight that the air is knocked out of her lungs. Has the world gone insane? Lexa asked herself before realizing what just happened.

 

_Oh, I... I'm sorry I should have introduced myself but... my mother told me what happened and I kinda got emotional when I saw you on our doorstep and... she also told me your name is Lexa and... I'm Costia! And you should just come in and have some coffee. If you like Coffee. Of course we also have tea!_

 

Lexa blushed slightly in embarrassment and she was trembling with insecurity. However, she was glad that Costia talked so much so she wouldn't have to. She walked inside and locked the door behind herself...


End file.
